pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize