my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
