omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
