Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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