Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
