New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
