evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
