Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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