Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
