I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
