I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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