You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
