I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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