I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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