so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
