i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
