I cannot find my penis.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
