Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize