I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
