he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize