Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
