fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Holy shit dude........stairs
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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