According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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