It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
