shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Randomize
