im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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