my shit smells like andre
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I lost the right to judge tonight
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
