On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
