I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize