shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You are the jesus of drinking
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
