I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
