Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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