i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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