Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Text me some of your sweat
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
