Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
