I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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