My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
