There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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