i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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