This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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