sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
