I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
