one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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