Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
