We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
