I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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