Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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