nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
