This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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