this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
