the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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