my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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