tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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