GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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