If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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