so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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