I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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