Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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