literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
That was an excessively violent trivia night
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
