Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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